Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
