____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
