mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
