Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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