I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
