Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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