All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
