Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize