I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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