I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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