just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
