Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
