saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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