I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
