Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize