do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My ass is underappreciated
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
