Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
