I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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