I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
