Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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