My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
