So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
