Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This baby is an asshole
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
