i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
