you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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