onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
