Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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