They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
