Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
