I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
