9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
