A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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