Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
