Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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