I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
