Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
