So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you inspire me to be a worse person
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
