i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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