im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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