His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
