I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
