In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
