My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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