he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I have fence marks all over my body
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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