Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Randomize
