I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
