i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
