your thong is hanging out like whoa
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm passing your future prison.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
