I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
