i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
