I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize