oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
