i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
FUCK WHALES
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
