the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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