Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
