LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
