I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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