this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
