Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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