Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
