I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
