Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
