I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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