he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just pee around me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
True college students do jello shots in the library
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