I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
