Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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