My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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