just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
she peed on how many people?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize
