Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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