does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
