The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize