i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize