I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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