nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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